Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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