Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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