Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
