if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
