mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
