wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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