i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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