I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
