There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
