My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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