Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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