if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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