If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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