rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
