I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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