Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
