my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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