After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
