it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
