1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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