just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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