come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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