my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
