so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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