u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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