There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
