I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
