So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
