Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
