Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
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Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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