all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
