fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
