Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
