when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My bed smells like the plague
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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