This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
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this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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