I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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