how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
