What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
