I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
