Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
