What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
