he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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