Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.