What did we do last night that was yellow?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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