my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dating After Heartbreak
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?