You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina