you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.