Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
