omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
