hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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