i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
