At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Will you blow on my dice?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
