All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
