your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
