the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
