i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
