I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
