you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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