So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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