Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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