Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
