So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We named our party play list daddy issues
operation have a gay friend backfired
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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