so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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