You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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