as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
