Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
