so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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