I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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